


Cleanse The Sin

by ImKnotQueen



Category: Naruto
Genre: Asexual Umino Iruka, Asexuality, Background Relationships, Family Feels, Getting to Know Each Other, HIV/AIDS, Inspired by Personal Experience, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Sex, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Past Drug Addiction, Recovery, Self-Hatred, Sex Addiction, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-05-12 17:59:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19234270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImKnotQueen/pseuds/ImKnotQueen
Summary: Kakashi Hatake: an expert in failures and ruining beautiful things given to him. Recovery is slowly piecing the man back together into the son/brother/friend he should have been years ago.Enter: Iruka, a new roommate, and friend to his stepsister, who unwittingly turns the world on its head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over 'Naruto' nor am I profiting from this.

“Does anyone want to begin our meeting?” Gai scans the group with his usual beaming grin. “I can always call on someone random. Is it true that someone is moving into a new house?”

Kakashi crosses his arms tighter over his chest, strong in his resolution to avoid eye contact with the counselor. Gai's better off teaching children, deterring them from sampling the supplies and making sure fingers aren't in the nose. Instead, he believes that enough patience and smiling will warm up an uncomfortable circle. Even alcoholics and drug users are warmer than their group.

“I'll be the sacrificial pig this week,” Kakashi sighs, ignoring the relieved shuffles and quiet thanks. “I'm moving in with a roommate. Nothing negative happened in the house, but living separate from my family is necessary for my treatment plan.”

Hana claims her friend, Iruka is the best human in existence. Owning a rescue animal affectionally named Harp and tendency for harmless pranks qualify him for the position, but she doesn’t have the best record with friends. Kakashi couldn't give a hard opinion given the man never came to their Sunday lunches despite their multiple invitations. Hana's partner, Shikamaru attended as little as he could given that his family would attend and bring their best friends with them.

Tenzou bumps their knees, giving him a quick tentative smile. “We've been working on developing a friendship which doesn't revolve around sex. I have a job interview scheduled for next week. Is that a step?”

Relieved, he leans back into the chair. Attention has moved off him. A couple of people searching for easy sex might attempt cornering him once the meeting is over, but he has the excuse that he has to rush home and pack. Besides, Zabuza has become skilled in identifying fakers and scaring them away from attending again. Kakashi leans toward Tenzou, waiting for the attention to move again.

“I'll be the sacrificial pig again next week,” he promises. “I need to make a quick escape once the meeting is over, though. Tsume doesn't know where my toy collection has been stashed and I would much rather not have that discussion with her. I've been following the recovery plan but would much rather not go through that again…”

“Secondhand embarrassment does exist,” he mumbles. “I promise to cover for you. Do you need help with anything else?”

Convincing Bull that hopping into the car wouldn't kill him would be a massive help, but no one could manage that. Kakashi settles for the promise that eventually Tenzou will take over his sacrificial role and even get their lunch afterward.

For now, volunteering as a distraction is enough, allowing Kakashi to make a hurried escape. Sometimes, he enjoyed doing circle work.

Everyone was allowed to share their breakthroughs and important events without spontaneous clapping and crying. People with setbacks usually came with grisly stories and never asked fellow group members coddle them through the aftermath. No one here spouted religious bullshit, claiming that giving everything over to some deity was the answer.

He was making progress according to the counselor and family members. Enough trust had been established that he could move in with a stranger. For now, his big challenge would be accepting said family members rooting through his things under the guise that it was helpful rather than stress-inducing.

-

Hana stretches her arms over her head, wagging her eyebrows in greeting as he steps from the car. Bull raises his head, tail wagging furiously as he rises on uncertain legs. Bull gives an exaggerated shake, trotting toward him with his tail whipping back and forth, oblivious to the other dogs trailing behind him. Kakashi crouches, patting his knees in preparation for the inevitable tackle.

“I wasn't gone that long,” he promises, dodging the determined licks and eager pawings. “You're excited right now. Someone will be having a massive tantrum later when its time to get in the car…”

Hana's high-pitched whistle draws a majority back to the porch. “I've managed to keep mom away from the empty boxes. Sakumo’s bribing her with promises that he will clean and organize the entire garage, but he can only make so many offers. Her attention has turned toward cooking for now. Iruka has managed better with her than most people do.”

Kakashi closes his mouth right as Bull tries licking him. “I have enough people helping. Iruka can go home and I will see him later once we move in together. I appreciate the willingness to help, but everyone going through my things are already pushing boundaries.”

Her expression warms even with the dogs clambering into her lap. Her voice isn't raised even as nails dig through her jeans and into her skin. Everyone settles below her with irritated huffs, quieting down as she leans forward. He leans into Bull with a sigh, curling an arm around his thick neck. Hana doesn't have to verbally guilt-trip him, but the expression is enough.

“I can't pretend to understand everything that happens in therapy,” she says. “I don't know every single trigger but do my best to avoid the known ones. What's going to help you relax?”

“I could use some privacy.” Kakashi digs his fingers into Bull's thick wrinkles, shoulders relaxing along with the dog. “I have boxes labeled for a reason and know where things belong. People can label boxes and take them downstairs. I don't want anyone except for us placing things into the car, because we know how to organize things in a tight unwelcoming space.”

Hana nod and begins pushing dogs from her lap. Her getting back inside will be a process and gives him enough time to sneak back inside with Bull. For their infinite animals, Tsume manages to keep a clean house which sometimes borders on offensive. Her personal work oath involves never appearing on any show where her filthy house was showcased. Keeping a house which bordered on obscene cleanliness meant no animals on the furniture, something which usually went ignored.

However, her stance on animals near the kitchen remained firm. Tsume doesn't even look up from her cutting board when he approaches the kitchen with Bull sliding to a nervous stop behind him.

“I always appreciate patience.” Tsume sniffles and turns her face into her shoulder. “Sakumo asked whether I learned my lesson from the last time cooking with jalapenos. I haven't learned a thing.”

“I don't want to know what happened last time.” Kakashi attempts giving the dog a nudge, but he remains staunch in his decision to have his oversensitive nose assaulted. “Where's everyone else?”

Tsume leans her head back, mashing her lips together as she peels her latex gloves off. Her gloves are double bagged and wrapped in a grocery bag for extra precaution. Cleaning isn't an interruptible task, especially when an item could harm someone. Kakashi wipes down the counter until she deems it acceptable, searching for any familiar noises underneath the cooking.

“Hana didn't want Iruka overwhelmed with questions or the dogs.” Tsume heaves a dramatic sigh. “I have a tendency to bombard people with questions. I learned that today. Anyways, he's outside meeting the other family members and he's staying for lunch.”

Great.

-

Hana and Iruka wander upstairs somewhere between Kakashi boxing up his books and piling clothes on the bed. Bull has been moving closer and closer toward the edge, announcing his dissatisfaction by wiping slobber onto whatever he can reach. He gives some battered jeans a final rubdown and jumps from the bed.

“You're eventually going to crash right through the floorboards,” Hana warns the dog. “Lunch is almost ready. I figured you would prefer meeting one another without extra attention.”

Bull kicks off their introductions with aggressive, determined sniffing. Hana's insistence that he gives it a break goes ignored. Kakashi shoves a box into the corner, preparing his apologies for the man. He hasn't backed into a corner, hoping to get away from the overexcited wrinkle bag.

Iruka crouches alongside Hana with his arm extended toward Bull. Each sniff and lick cake his wrist with drool and mucus, but his smile remains intact even when the massive dogs almost headbutt him.

“I don't usually see strangers warm up to him so quickly,” Kakashi mumbles. “I can make him calm down with some kennel time or have him go outside?”

Iruka rises with that smile still intact, drool drying on his face and clothes. People shouldn't be this happy while receiving such extreme attention from a dog. No one has ever been that nice.

“I've been looking forward to meeting him,” Iruka says, wiping his hands on his dirtied pants. “Hana always shares stories about family dogs, but meeting everyone has just been through pictures.”

Hana interjects, giving him a careful nudge in his side. “You've been stalling on coming over. I'm going to see whether mom needs any help with lunch. Come on, Bull.”

Food wins over loyalty for his master, leaving Kakashi alone with his future roommate, still just a stranger. Escaping isn't an option and he's supposed to work on viewing people as something more than a potential dumping ground when the mood strikes him.

Iruka's hair hangs down around his face, unwilling to remain tucked behind his ears. A scar sits over his nose, whitening with age. Even though he's alone now, the excitement over being here, knowing other dogs await his petting? Its visible from how he wears the grime and paw marks with pride.

“I better share this now.” Kakashi shrugs. “A roommate deserves to know and being open is encouraged. I'm in recovery for sex addiction. I didn't care whether the person was male or female. I used escort services, prostitutes, pornography, and hurt several people in the process….”

Either he's going to react with severe disgust or inappropriate invasive questions. Shrugging, he picks up the packing tape. It gives him something to focus on despite being empty. Searching for something new will reveal the building panic, bubbling higher and higher with the silence.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I just admitted to being a disgusting deviant? I admitted this, but you're concerned about what can be done for me?”

“I want you to be comfortable.” Iruka shrugs. “I don't promise to understand it, but want to try and make the transition easier.”

“Look, I don't care whether you do anything. I cannot hear or see it otherwise I have the desire to participate. It's not necessarily a desire to participate with you. Either porn provides the comfort or masturbation until I'm exhausted….”

“I’m asexual.”

Kakashi drags a nail across the empty tape roll. “What is that?”

“I don’t do sex.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka and Kakashi have a discussion on asexuality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over 'Naruto' nor am I profiting from this.
> 
> I apologize for this being a shorter chapter, but it was a rough day.

Iruka has time to change his mind. A rational person would change their mind when seeing their prospective roommate scrambling to come up with something. Kakashi searches his pocket for a lighter and comes up with a crumpled baggie. 

Hana saves him from further embarrassment by urging them to hurry up and come have downstairs for lunch. Iruka rises without complaint or indication something is wrong and even gives his hand, an offering. Does he not know the rules? No one touched him during the intervention. Everyone knows to touch him means interacting with whatever he's come into contact with whether it be another person or place. 

Kakashi takes his wrist and keeps quiet when Hana doles out the hand sanitizer she just happened to have in her pocket. 

 

Lunch is noisier than usual. Tsume canvases the table, ordering everyone to give their plates over and loading them up with too much food. Kakashi sinks lower and lower into his chair, twirling the one celery stick he's managed to save. Everyone throws words around in group: fetish, kinks, locations, sexualities -- but asexual isn't something he knows. No one in the group uses that word. No one in the group has ever mentioned people that just don't do sex.

Iruka doesn't remark on his sudden silence. Everyone save for Sakumo and Hana is busy peppering him with questions, pausing for the occasional drink or grabbing more food. Iruka tolerates the intrusion, giving legitimate answers rather than dodging or changing the subject. Tsume pauses in her canvasing, leaning down beside him.

“Is everything okay? You've been twirling celery rather than eating it,” she murmurs. “I know you enjoy everything being served here. Is your stomach upset?”

Kakashi drops the celery stick into his glass and shrugs. Answering her with these many people around and her hands loaded down carries too much risk. Tsume would never throw her best dishes but she might just drop things and demand to know who fucked her stepson up. 

“I'm too anxious for food,” he says. “I was playing with tape upstairs. Where's Pakkun?”

Tsume purses her lips, watching his plate as though it personally offended her. “Everyone is enjoying outdoor time.”

“I'll have lunch later, okay? I'm going to spend some time with the dogs.”

-

Kakashi sinks into a worn lawn chair, laces his fingers behind his head and gives a sharp whistle. Pakkun, affectionately known as the original wrinkle bag, dominates the kennel. Everyone follows along with his casual tort, weaving around the designated untouchables: bushes, cacti, and his parent's wedding plant. Pakkun pauses as he approaches the chairs, turning and scattering the other dogs with a gruff bark.

“I'm sitting down,” he grumbles, patting his lap. “Come on, Pakkun. I know that you're going to be angry later. I haven't received the complete okay on whether other animals can live there. Iruka has a rescue animal, which is as much as I know.”

Pakkun provides an appropriate temporary distraction and is appropriately rewarded with stomach scratches. He becomes so absorbed with doting on the dogs, that he doesn't notice the door open until Iruka sinks into a chair beside him. Kakashi slows down the scratches, pulling the dog closer with a sudden possessiveness.

“Hana wasn't exaggerating when saying her family owned a pack,” he says. “Everyone here deserves petting. I don't have enough hands for petting, but could use some back scratchers for the others.”

“I'm sorry about earlier.” Kakashi moves up to Pakkun's ears. “No offense, but how does asexuality work? I've never heard about people being asexual and don't understand it.”

“Asexuality presents differently for different people. I personally don't enjoy sex nor is masturbation necessary. Some do engage in sex, but those people are still asexual.”

Kakashi shakes his head. Masturbation ceased being enjoyable somewhere during his addiction. Escort services were too expensive? Prostitutes weren't readily available? Friends or partners were asleep? Drug houses were always open and he could go for hours. Internet provided him with pornography and whatever fantasy he wanted to be entertained. Eventually, it ceased being pleasurable. Orgasm no longer mattered when the cam model grew bored with his aloofness or panicked over how raw his skin was. Orgasming until he was dried up and could go to sleep mattered. Someone, without this problem, uninterested in masturbation and sex?

“People need time to understand. You're welcome to ask questions should you be curious,” Iruka says. “I can also show you some websites that can help answer questions.”

Shrugging is easier than giving him an explanation. Going online is dangerous. Going online introduces him back into temptations. Hana didn't ask questions when he requested that she go through his social media and delete everything.

“I think I need some time….” Kakashi mumbles. “Maybe in the next couple of days, we can sit down, but this is a lot to take in.

“Is beginning with takeout a decent compromise in the meantime?”

“I'd rather just see how well you do with the dogs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested in viewing a real drug/pornography/sex problem? I highly recommend you research, Aaron Brink, a former MMA fighter, who was introduced to methamphetamine while working in pornography under the name Dick Delaware. 
> 
> You can view him on Intervention (season six, episode eight).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka share a fact with one another and he provides some help when the car breaks down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over 'Naruto' nor am I profiting from this.

Kakashi's finger hovers over the power button on his phone. 

Group counseling claims asking anyone for help does not mean weakness. He could agree with that, but whoever originally invented this obviously does not have family that coordinated dates like his. Tonight, both step-siblings are staying with their significant others, leaving his parents in the house. 

Interrupting a date invites severe guilt no matter his reasoning. Even asking someone whether he could receive a ride to tomorrow's therapy appointment is deemed unacceptable. 

Bull, already frustrated with the minimal space and lacking attention, pushes his massive head into Kakashi’s thigh. Kakashi runs a hand over his wrinkled forehead and pushes his phone beneath his pillow. Waiting until tomorrow morning isn't an option and frustration doesn't offer any assistance. Iruka remains an option with his sleek black motorcycle. 

In all fairness, he hasn't overwhelmed the man with demanding favors, choosing instead to give him a room as he adjusts to sharing his space. Unfortunately, asking for favors invites danger. Everyone wants something in return, especially once a favor has been given. But missing the meeting isn't a much better option either. 

“I might as well get this over with,” he sighs, giving Bull a final pet. “You need dinner anyway. Do everyone a favor and keep away from Harp's food, okay?”

Bull trots ahead, tail wagging despite the warning to keep away from his new roommate's dinner. Harp, the infamous rescue cat, sits atop the counter, tail twitching back and forth. Iruka shoos him away off the counter as he pulls a cutting board from the cabinets. 

“Harp’s already eaten dinner,” he promises. “Bull doesn't have anything to get into tonight. I understand that you've been starving him though…” 

“Bull knows how to turn on the dramatics when he wants treats,” Kakashi warns. “I'm sorry for doing this tonight, but my car decided tonight would be the appropriate time for death. I have a meeting tomorrow morning and missing them requires advanced notice unless a family emergency or severe illness is involved.” 

“I don't have anything going on tomorrow.” Iruka goes to the fridge, gathering too many ingredients. “Hana's having her date, right? I've relied on her as my mechanic in the past. I doubt she'll mind coming over to see whether she can do anything for the car once the timing is better.” 

Kakashi rattles off the directions as he goes through Bull's nighttime feeding. Slowing down means thinking, which means worse. Iruka's quiet save for the occasional mumble, either writing down the directions, cutting up veggies, or shooing Harp away from Bull's dinner. 

Everyone wants something in return. Offering sex isn't allowed in his routine anymore. He no longer has escort services numbers in his phone. Iruka doesn't even enjoy sex, but he has to give something in return. 

“I don't know what to offer in return, but people always want something.” Kakashi plucks dog hair from his clothing. “What do you want in return?” 

Iruka crouches down, settling Harp against his chest for involuntary snuggling as he thinks. Harp gives little fuss, squirming into a more comfortable position and purring, delighted as his human strokes his back. 

“Share something I don't know. You can choose whether it be about the dogs or whether it be something more personal. I just require that you're comfortable sharing it.” 

Washing his hands provides him with a temporary distraction. Iruka cannot see him scrub the skin raw or pick his nails bloody but he is still generous with the soap. He's going to need it anyway once he's done petting Harp. 

“I started watching how-to videos once I gave up watching porn. I couldn't sleep in silence and medications only help so much. Anything involving beads or needles clicking is my favorite.” 

Iruka's hand slows for just a moment. It's definitely not his most shameful secret but it is one that some people snickered over. 

“I never broke curfew for cool reasons,” Iruka says. “I was always caught being awake past my bedtime, reading. You can't imagine how it was when the audiobooks were released and people believed I was sleeping with music.”

“Is that your fact?” 

“You're allowed one for the night, Kakashi unless you want to help with cooking dinner?”

-

Going inside hasn't been difficult ever since it became ingrained into his routine, but things are different this morning. Her hair has been changed into a petal pink, shortened to sit above her shoulders. Red still suits her. 

Kakashi remains glued to the motorcycle, fingers digging into Iruka’s sides until the man twists around. 

“Is everything okay? I didn't go too fast, right?”

Numb, he shakes his head and nods towards the pink hair. “I knew her. We were engaged once, but things didn't work and she just disappeared.”

Multiple uncomfortable things sit between the ‘didn't work’ and him returning to an empty apartment, but sharing here isn't an option. Group will be eager to wrestle the details from him, but even the prospect of sharing with them feels overwhelming. 

“We aren't the only group that meets here, but certain groups aren't supposed to overlap,” he mumbles. “Her counselor must've been ill earlier this week…”

Iruka takes his hand and squeezes. “You're starting to shake. Take a deep breath and we can decide what to do here, okay?” 

“Could we go inside together?” He swallows thickly. “You won't be allowed to remain for the meeting.” 

“I know the rules. I've been here in the past to help.” Iruka gives his hand a final squeeze, stepping off the motorcycle. “I'm terrible with remembering addresses and directions, but remember the rules for the most part. Are you ready to go inside?” 

“I can't ignore it forever. Let's get this over with.” 

No one except for Gai recognizes Iruka. Immediately he's waving the man over and babbling about how much everyone here has missed seeing him. Gai doesn't attempt hugging him or doing his other preferred greeting, the high five. Kakashi settles against the wall with Tenzou as the two begin speaking with one another. 

“How's everything going this morning?” Kakashi asks, grimacing as Gai raises his hand for Zabuza. “You think he would learn by now. Zabuza would sooner share his feelings with the group than give away high fives. I've seen him lean away and hiss when people try patting his back in comfort.” 

“I do not blame him with some of the people here.” Tenzou lowers his voice. “I tried going on a date last night and everything went well. I didn't reveal this part with her yet.” 

“Don't forget you're the sacrificial pig this week.”

“I remember, Kakashi.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Gai opens up, Kakashi closes down with his roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over 'Naruto' nor am I profiting from this.

Sakura isn't waiting to ambush him with accusations despite the horrific fantasies which his anxiety manages to conjure up. 

Tenzou and Zabuza linger longer than their preferred times, claiming Gai needs assistance with cleanup. Everyone else has hurried back to their secret lives. Iruka’s probably waiting for him, but considering exiting the room leaves him with a cottonmouth and prickling underarms. 

“Is something else going on, Kakashi?” Gais voice is louder without the group as a buffer. “Remember, every counselor is available for anything which can't be shared in the group for whatever reason. I don't share the information with anyone unless it requires a mandated report.”

Iruka's probably waiting for him, but this isn't something to take home. 

“I came here with a friend,” he says. “I would much rather share now should it be possible.”

“I don't have anywhere to be until this evening,” he promises, parting his pockets down. “I'll even text Iruka to keep him from worrying.”

For someone hyperactive with a deep love for atrocious color combinations, his office isn't anything compared to what Kakashi has imagined. No motivational posters hang from the wall, insisting that no is the only answer. Pamphlets on the dangers involved with unsafe sex and being tested aren't in the open. His desk is not overflowing with framed pictures. 

“I don't have time for the full version,” Kakashi warns, perching on the edge of the chair. “How do you make amends with someone that you hurt during your addiction? It is more complicated because the person just disappeared without warning.”

“Well, it is extremely important to remember that making amends is a process. A process that works for one person won't be ideal for another.” Gai’s dark eyes fill with sympathy. “Prior to making amends, it is important to ask this: will it benefit this person, will it give them a positive ending on something that was already terrible. Sometimes, it is not the appropriate time to make amends.”

For now, she takes first place in his making amends checklist. Everyone else — he’ll come up with something to categorize them. 

“I don't even know how to reach her,” he mumbles. “Going online invites temptations. I even asked and received assistance from my stepsister in deleting my social media. Gai, she even saw the hookup accounts.”

Gai remains sympathetic. Hookup accounts are mere boo-boos compared to what else he knows about addiction. Even the grittiest stories haven't caused a twitch from the man, something which Kakashi envies, especially now. 

“We aren’t ourselves when engaging in addictive behaviors,” Gai says quietly. “I certainly am the poster child for recovery. I realize it draws aggravation from the group, but I consider it penance for my diagnosis. I drowned in addictions while my father lied dying, and now? I'm HIV positive.”

“What happened to him?” Kakashi'svoice is scratchy. “Did you make amends with him or?”

“Make amends when appropriate and while you have time.” Gai avoids his eyes now. “I'm making amends with a tombstone. However, I’m going to hold my faith in you.”

“I'll need it.”

-

Iruka does not pry for what happened in the office. Kakashi stretches across the couch, popping his earbuds in and scrolling through his saved ‘music’. Tonight, he jumps between how-to knitting videos and necklace crafting but neither calms his anxiety as it normally does. Bull pushes his head into his hip, groaning as he receives a quickly distracted petting. Harp watches him from atop the couch, tail twitching back and forth as he continues with his insistence. 

“Harp isn't upset with you,” Iruka promises. “Harp's upset because he cannot have our dinner. I don't know whether you're hungry but my friends swear this soup is great for comfort. Izumo and Kotetsu enjoy eating almost anything, though…” 

“I'm supposed to be working toward making amends.” Kakashi pushes his earbuds further in, leaving the music off. “Tsume wanted more than anything to form a bond when she married my dad. Her easiest way to connect was through cooking because she loves feeding her family. I rejected her attempts because angry stepchild over having my father ripped away and my addictions were beginning.”

“Hana never discussed much on her family aside from the dogs. I appreciated her never prying because it gave us something ‘safe’ to discuss. I didn't feel any pressure to take her to my family's gravesite and she was never pressured to discuss her family. A stepparent isn't required to love their stepchildren, unfortunately. I can see that Tsume loves you as her son and Hana loves you as her brother.” 

“Iruka, no offense, but you haven't seen us interact that much. Everyone puts on a face when new people are around, especially when something important is involved with meeting that person.” 

Iruka remains calm despite the acid in his tone. He gives their dinner one more stir and joins Harp. Kakashi searches his face for anger, for upset, but his face is blank. 

“I haven't seen much, but it was obvious that your family cares. I don't have much experience with addiction but know that it makes families ill. Hana could be excluding you from everything to do with the family along with Tsume. Dinner is almost ready.”

Iruka doesn't even slam his bedroom door. It closes with a quiet frustrated click. Harp watches him with increasing disappointment. 

Were he a quicker man, he would move rather than allow the cat to execute his revenge. Unfortunately, he receives a frustrated meow and cautious kneading, locking him into place when Iruka storms by. 

“I turned the burner off. I'm going to run some errands — just lock the door when you go to bed, okay?” 

Now, he slams the door. 

-

Music, purring, and snores provide him with a temporary distraction as the hours' tick by. But eventually, the music becomes more obnoxious than comforting. Bull wakes up and Harp loses interest in keeping him hostage. Dinner remains untouched and cold. 

“I’ll put him on my making amends list,” he grumbles as the clock nears midnight. “I am a defensive asshole, Bull and you deserve a better owner.”

Bull ignores him, staring at the untouched soup, reluctantly tearing away when he puts the phone on speaker. 

Yeah, he's an asshole.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hana helps pave the way to smooth things over.

Hana could make things so much easier was she one to scream and shake him. Somehow, she has missed those genetics from her mother and insists on making him sit with his head between his knees until his nausea passes. Her phone lights up with another text message from Kiba, begging for just fifteen more minutes with his partner because it's rare for them to have time together, Hana. 

Every text is another reminder. Hana waves off the apologies and insists something else has happened with their respective partners. Coming up with lies has never been her talent. 

“You should give him an hour.” Kakashi shuffles through her change, disappointed but not shocked to discover her lighter is gone. “I always forget you don't smoke anymore…”

Her radio volume goes up just a notch. “I quit smoking whenever you started smoking to get high. Somehow, I doubt that you requested my company in such a panic because you wanted to discuss nicotine.” 

Tsume would give him no room for argument. Hana waits on him to share what happened and remains quiet as he recounts the uncomfortable details. Looking over means seeing her disappointment, her anger and inviting her to lose it on him.

“I don't say this as an excuse or to make you feel worse,” she says. “You're emotionally stunted from living in this addicted state. Growing and moving away from this state will take your time. It's easy to blame everyone else for a problem, but more important to take responsibility and recognize how come that action is wrong. Now, how you think it went wrong?”

“I became defensive when he was just attempting to relate and be helpful.” Kakashi sighs. “I gave no consideration toward his experiences either.”

Hana nods and reaches for her phone. “I'll take you home to give him a little extra time with his girlfriend. Here, you can pick the music for our drive back. Difficult as you might find it, go back into the apartment. Remember to listen.”

-

Bull raises his head and gives a tail wag but makes no real effort to get up. Iruka is home as the soup has been boxed up and put into the fridge. Harp's low snores can be heard coming from behind his closed door. Light and muted voices mingle with the snores. Kakashi raises his hand, reconsiders and lowers it. 

“Come on, Bull.” He pats his leg. “We should go to bed.” 

For once, his body rejects insomnia’s ever-present suggesting that he fight sleep. He manages a somewhat peaceful slumber with Bull warming his legs and muted noises coming over from the room beside him. 

It is the very same noise that he wakes up to in the late morning, disoriented and thirsty. Bull is no longer acting as a living security blanket, leaving hair and drool in his wake. Kakashi can hear him whining and shuffling about impatiently. He doesn't bother checking the clock as he shuffles into the kitchen. Bull and subsequently his routine have been thrown off, which means facing a day already ruined. 

“I'm trying to read the directions.” Iruka's tone lacks the rawness from last night. “People make this way too small. Hang on — you should receive this much?” 

“I can feed him.” Kakashi stares down the dog food bowl. “I can…”

Iruka doesn't even have to allow another animal in here. Reinforcing defense mechanisms is far easier than listening. Kakashi swallows hard and wets his mouth. 

“I can feed him right now. Later, I’ll show you how much he should have.” He can breathe again. “I'm sorry for not waking up with him.”

Iruka waits until he's busy scooping food into the bowl. “Could we please sit down and discuss what happened last night?”

Breathing isn't so easy now, but he has to accept it. 

-

Iruka can't just sit down for the execution. Kakashi watches him putter around the apartment, getting coffee which takes an eternity to perfect, searching for and eventually finding the cat, and pulling a crocheted blanket over his lap. 

“I should apologize for having such a reaction,” he begins. “I will apologize, but feel its important to recognize how come it elicited such a reaction. Hana has always been my go-to person for secrets since she keeps them so well, especially when it comes to secrets regarding my family and missing out on what other people have…” 

“You're right in trusting her with secrets,” Kakashi agrees. “You could know her forever but never get closer to knowing her secrets. Hana is a private person and I don't want every single detail but need to know. How much do you know about our family?” 

“Hana says things are better now, but in the beginning? You guys struggled with becoming a blended family.” Iruka shrugs. “I never admitted it to her but I was jealous over her even having a family to give her difficulties….” 

Difficulties is a massive understatement but giving every single detail seems wrong. Iruka takes a long drink from his coffee mug and waits, patient for whatever he's willing and able to reveal. Kakashi reaches for Harp and then draws his hand away. 

“Getting into everything would be wrong.” Harp leans toward his hand, curious but Kakashi remains unmoving. “I can only explain my actions, but…” 

“You're frustrated.” Iruka takes another long drink from his mug. “Do you feel triggered by something in these memories?” 

Everyone in the group knows how this part goes. Normal people always cry and claim unfair. A sober mind would agree: no one can expect another person whether it be family or friends to just recognize something is wrong. Except, everyone wants to point fingers once the secret is revealed. Someone recognizes something is wrong and pointing fingers is easier. Nodding is easier because he cannot trust his voice to keep from breaking. 

Iruka shushes his mind with a hand against his cheek, warm and smelling vaguely of coffee. Harp's purrs grow loud enough to draw Bull away from the water dish for a curious staredown. Kakashi's breath is shaky and ghosts over his wrist. 

Iruka doesn't even flinch. 

“Name something you can see.” Iruka's command is gentled by his eyes. “Take as long as you need.” 

“I can see hair everywhere from Bull and Harp. Some could be hair from us? I can see a scar on your arm.”

Iruka turns pink but keeps a smile in place. “I was trying to be cool and it backfired brilliantly. Name something you can hear.”

“Harp’s purring.”

“Keep going.” 

“You.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8/9/2019: 
> 
> I am alive, guys, but things have become too chaotic for writing.

**Author's Note:**

> Iruka's backstory is inspired by my journey with asexuality. Therefore, his experience with partners is very much based on mine. I ask everyone to bear this in mind should you have any personal questions. 
> 
> You are welcome to ask whatever you wish. Just recognize I might not necessarily answer something should it be too personal. 
> 
> I appreciate every single bookmark, comment, and kudos.


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